Friday, June 06, 2008

Clouds

The estimated due date is within three weeks. An aunt who recently visited my mother and I in Rembau commented that I appeared rosy. It must be the presence of the loved ones, in either physical or non-physical forms. In Kamal's case, his short yet sweet text messages gave me reasons to smile despite being extremely lethargic.

The pregnancy has been a joy, oh yes. The wonder of a person growing within me is indescribably enlightening. Nevertheless, I shall document here that I have been experiencing a bout of depression, caused by a series of past fertility treatments.

Pre-pregnancy, my husband and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Being family oriented, we decided to seek medical assistance to conceive a child whom we could care for together. Six cycles of clomid and a round of preparation for Intra-Uterine Insemination were demanding enough for our hectic work schedules. In the meantime, we also prepared ourselves with the possibility of In-Vitro Fertilisation.

Clomid, as in any drug, had negative side effects, particularly emotionally, on me. Now, I still bear the psychological scars. As a mother-to-be's emotional health relates to both her and the child's physical health, with the worst being a preterm loss, I was advised to break myself free from stress-inducing matters.

I might be Miss Sunshine, but I somehow can't help from cloudy moments. What I could do in order to care for my emotional well-being is to let the negative energy out of my system. With this pregnancy, my physical and mental being has become most protective. Must be the challenge of having a successful conception in the past.

I eventually snapped when I tried to stretch myself a mere extra mile at work. At home, I intuitively retired to a passive role, which is not me at all. I exercised to improve the hormone circulation, but being subjected to bed rest because of the effects afterwards was traumatising. Oh, I simply felt empty not being able to be my old energetic self.

Then, my best support system, Kamal, has been too occupied with work that he had no choice but to pass the responsibility of caring for my well-being to my parents. I am thankful though that the serenity in Rembau has provided me the opportunity to reflect on my life so far. Yesterday, after days of self-reflection, I realised that the best support system was actually myself. The pregnancy might be sensitive, but my true-self is always strong. Therefore, after Maghrib, I fought the pressure and chanted zikr with all my being.

Not only I felt better, I was able to resolve a number of issues as well. One issue being the fragile state I am in that has rendered me helpless. Another is the unsorted leave application at work. There. All out of my system. Now, I shall document those sunny moments for the past 33 weeks.
By writing this, I have shed a light on what I am going through, but words can never define how it truly feels. Last week, a cousin cried while relating her experience of two failed aided conception procedures, with a close shave with cancer. There were tears in my eyes, too.

Was it empathy on my part? Almost. Nonetheless, there must be a personal side of us that have untold stories, not revealed for various good reasons. Therefore, there can't be a complete empathy. I have discussed this with my obstetrician once. I need to reveal the untold stories to her during the next session.

9 comments:

  1. Glad that you managed to get it out of your system, honey. :)

    Keep on!

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  2. I felt and still feel that nobody could really understand the mental fatigue part that I'm experiencing. No, I'm not exaggerating. You've seen how I tried to fight the fatigue.

    However, I don't need others to understand me as long as I understand what my system is going through. This time around, I just need to state my situation out loud; no matter with or without others' comprehending me.

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  3. somehow this post touches my heart ;-).Wish you well, dear!

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  4. dearest chech, i went thru the same thing while i was carrying nunu, and believe me, i think i'd rather suffer some degree of morning sickness than to be forever 'cloudy'. it's true that most ppl don't understand this condition, they think we're being 'mengada-ngada' or it's all in the mind.

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  5. misserra: Thank you for the well wishes. Anyway, don't let Mas read sad updates in my blog... or else, she'll be demotivated to get married and be pregnant. Haha! And you, keep on writing inspirational items ;)

    raggedyanne: Now, I'm at this phase where I don't care what is going on around me anymore. It's all about me, me, me :) (while trying not to involve others, particularly my husband, because it's somehow easier going through this alone and in my own way).

    Did you talk to any therapist?

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  6. chech, Enjoy THE NOW!
    be it cloudy or whatever. :)

    take care. u're doin great. :)

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  7. khair: Haha! Yeah! I just needed to get the heaviness (is there such a word?) out of my chest. Boghek (campur dengan berat baby lagi :D)!

    You take care too. Enjoy your adventure in Chennai ye. Particularly the F&B part ;p <-- this is a comment for your diarrhea post.

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  8. chech, yeap. the best of them all - God.

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